Whoo....

Now that was a looonnngg break!!!

Between school, the last few soccer games, the crazy amount of dance classes my child takes, Halloween, Thanksgiving, school conferences..........ugh.....................breathe, in and out, just breathe....
So somewhere in the midst of all that not to mention normal daily things I kind of lost myself once more (not that I actually have found myself just yet). It was easy to lose sight of what I was finding to be my way of releasing how I was feeling, what I was thinking. Who was going to miss it? Was there anyone really looking for it?
I went along with my crazy busy schedule taking care of everything and anything that was asked. Sometimes I wonder if I have a flashing sign across my forehead that says "available, ask me". Really, I think there's one there.... when I take my kids to school my little one likes to stay and watch the morning routine that occurs for the first 10 minutes before all the students go to class. We make our way to the same bench that we stand at to watch and even our little Squiggly enjoys it now too. There she stands holding onto the bench as she kicks her feet up and down and moves her head side to side to the music being played. I'm watching her as I watch J run back and forth doing his own little routine. Sometimes Squiggly gets so excited she starts laughing and tries to walk away. As soon as it's time for the kids to go back to class a teacher of one of my kids comes up to me and tells me he's planning a pizza party for some of his kids in class who have passed tests (which one was mine). I tell him, oh, that's nice. He then says "would you mind picking up the pizzas for us?". Hmmmm, is it there? Cause I myself can't see it, but it must be, here I stand holding a squiggly baby, watching out for J who is running around, I'm in my daily "Mom sweats", no make up, hair brushed out (but that's about it, no time for any type of style).....sure, no problem, seeing as I have enough time to take care of myself before I step out in public and my child is calm as can be standing right next to me waiting patiently to leave while I hold this smiley baby who is just letting me hold her without any issues.....................
And this is where I am suppose to say "what? Are you crazy? Do I look like I have time to be a pizza delivery person? And how would you like me to bring those to you? On my head cause that's all I have left free!!!" Instead, I just say I am available on Tuesday or Thursday.
Of course he wants to do it the last week of school before Christmas break, the two free days I have to get my last few things done, the two free days that I will be baking the items my kids are to give their teachers on the last day, the two free days I have to make sure my daughter has her things for her Nutcracker performance which happens to begin on the last day of school.
Nope, instead I am going to make a detour in my plans so that I can deliver these pizzas.
I'll just plan it in my daily schedule.
I get so busy taking care of everybody else I forget about myself...now back in the day there would've been no way I would've stepped out the way I do now. Yes I see myself in the mirror as I'm washing up or cleaning but I don't think I really "looked" at myself in the mirror. I know that if I did I'd probably just cry. It's sad when you truly look and what you see is not at all what you know to be "you". Gone..............lost, deep inside is the person that I feel, that is me, not what I see in the mirror. I have to find a way to get myself back. It's hard especially when there is so much going on in our lives that I feel take priority.
Maybe this is the beginning, getting back to what I started...........maybe that blinking "available" sign isn't really for others to see but for me to see that I need to be available for me and when I figure that out then maybe it won't be so bright for others to see...........hmmmmm.

Just a Mom...........attempting to start again.